Hiding in Plain Sight

We think we are immortal and invincible;
Always on the lookout for more,
Deathly afraid and visible,
Of our dissipating fragile core.

I had a sudden feeling of overwhelming dread – the kind you get when you dream yourself free-falling from an endless dark abyss and wake up with knots and butterflies in your guts; However, that feeling lasted a solid two hours and I couldn’t wish myself to wake- I was already awake and driving home. Gradually, the first few seconds I felt faint, as if my heart was slowly going to sleep. I felt betrayed by my own body, my mind frantically searching for an answer as to why one part of my body felt like it was shutting down, and at the same instance why my other side was racing at 100 Mph. I reached home and my parents caught me in time as my feet gave way on the sidewalk – I knew something has gone horribly wrong. I tried washing my face with cold water to shatter the dreadful thoughts crossing my mind – “I was dying..No one can save me..I want to live..I can’t die just yet, I wasn’t ready!” – I yelled “CALL THE AMBULANCE I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!.” My mom called and was beyond terrified. Barely three minutes passed until my body began spasming. My muscles were rattling and my kneecaps were banging against each other uncontrollably. Thirty seconds later I felt an intense cold chill down my spine, flowing like an icy river down my back and into my legs. At this point, my mind could find the only rational explanation amidst the chaos – I was having a heart attack.

 

Little did I know I was having a Panic attack – the start of my intense Panic disorder. For the next year and a half and the demon of panic kept lurking in the shadows, right on the crossroads of my conscious mind, reminding me that I wasn’t alone…keeping me on edge…always reminding me how fragile and vulnerable I am.

Not anymore. I am vanquishing you completely. Exorcising this demon of fear out of my body and mind.

 

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